I have kept myself busy today. I have shopped, cooked, spent a nice day with my loved ones and decorated the house ready for Halloween. This morning, I woke up satisfied with the knowledge of my brave leap, which I took yesterday and smiled for the first time in a long while. However, my day did not go faultless. Somebody very close to me upset me.
Yesterday, I told my parents that I have been diagnosed with Eating Disorder. They already suspected, but I have always put on a brave face around them, so saying it aloud was very difficult and is something that I have worried about doing for years.
Today, in a conversation with my Dad, he stopped mid-sentence and said, “Have you been eating? Your face looks fatter. You are looking healthy.” The room fell silent. My mother and partner looked horrified and I did not know where to look in fear of hurting his feelings by showing that I was hurt. My heart pounded hard. I knew that there was nothing that I could ever do to un-hear those words.
I do not blame him for speaking the truth, as he always has done and it is a part of his charm, but those three sentences automatically joined all the other echoes on my mind. It was like stepping onto a weighing scale, which I have avoided for many years, or trying on a pair of jeans, which I cannot bring myself to do. If my father knew that he had upset me, he would worry for weeks over it. I could not put him through that, so I changed the subject. I did not want to let it get me down, but by the time I got home, those words were screaming in my mind and I broke down in tears. I feel guilty for that.
I cannot stop thinking about it. My father explained to me that he meant that a few weeks ago, I looked very ill as I had lost so much weight, but I was looking healthier today. I know that was what he meant and I know how much my parents worry about me when I look unwell, but the voices cannot be satisfied with that and I now feel that I have made one leap forward to be knocked two leaps back.
It is almost 5am and I am too scared to stop writing and go to bed as I will drive myself crazy analyzing the conversation. What is worse, I ran out of Anti-depressants two days ago and my prescription will not be ready for another day, so my nerves are very shaky, too.
I have always been an optimist and tomorrow is another day. If I can get through tonight, then today will already be behind me.