Receding

I have had much better weeks, but I have blocked out the thoughts with Smirnoff. I doubt that it will help in the long run, but it is better than lying awake at night. I have been around family a lot lately, which should cheer me up, but it has been in parties where I am expected to eat. This angers me as all the effort I make trying to maintain my shape for peace of mind gets trampled on and I now have to start over.
I have not yet been sent an appointment for my next meeting with the psychologist, neither have I received a letter to attend the eating disorder unit, so I have had many sleepless nights dreading the morning post. The wait, as always, is unsettling and thought provoking. I just want it all to be over with.
I have stopped taking my anti-depressants. They only add to my insomnia, which is the very opposite of what I had hoped them to do. I am plucking up the courage to revisit the doctor to ask if I can get a different anti-depressant, only our local GP is the Anti-Christ, so I am waiting for the nice doctor to return from her holidays.
What I want from an Anti-Depressant is for me to feel sleepy in the nights. A good night’s sleep helps more than anything does and now, I just want to lie in bed all day long. I feel lethargic, worthless and out of control on the tablets that I have been prescribed and I cannot seem to shake it.

Shattered…

I have kept myself busy today. I have shopped, cooked, spent a nice day with my loved ones and decorated the house ready for Halloween. This morning, I woke up satisfied with the knowledge of my brave leap, which I took yesterday and smiled for the first time in a long while. However, my day did not go faultless. Somebody very close to me upset me.

Yesterday, I told my parents that I have been diagnosed with Eating Disorder. They already suspected, but I have always put on a brave face around them, so saying it aloud was very difficult and is something that I have worried about doing for years.

Today, in a conversation with my Dad, he stopped mid-sentence and said, “Have you been eating? Your face looks fatter. You are looking healthy.” The room fell silent. My mother and partner looked horrified and I did not know where to look in fear of hurting his feelings by showing that I was hurt. My heart pounded hard. I knew that there was nothing that I could ever do to un-hear those words.

I do not blame him for speaking the truth, as he always has done and it is a part of his charm, but those three sentences automatically joined all the other echoes on my mind. It was like stepping onto a weighing scale, which I have avoided for many years, or trying on a pair of jeans, which I cannot bring myself to do. If my father knew that he had upset me, he would worry for weeks over it. I could not put him through that, so I changed the subject. I did not want to let it get me down, but by the time I got home, those words were screaming in my mind and I broke down in tears. I feel guilty for that.

I cannot stop thinking about it. My father explained to me that he meant that a few weeks ago, I looked very ill as I had lost so much weight, but I was looking healthier today. I know that was what he meant and I know how much my parents worry about me when I look unwell, but the voices cannot be satisfied with that and I now feel that I have made one leap forward to be knocked two leaps back.

It is almost 5am and I am too scared to stop writing and go to bed as I will drive myself crazy analyzing the conversation. What is worse, I ran out of Anti-depressants two days ago and my prescription will not be ready for another day, so my nerves are very shaky, too.

I have always been an optimist and tomorrow is another day. If I can get through tonight, then today will already be behind me.

Shocking -Myspace Cult Exposed

Last night I posted a Blog regarding a woman who befriended me on Twitter and tried to lure me into a Myspace ‘cult’ of Pro-Anorexics. I have not been able to shake that conversation from my mind all day and I feel that I should be doing something to stop this for safety of the young girls who are a part of this ‘cult’. During the conversation with the woman who had invited me, I panicked and blocked her from contacting me again, before logging out of the website. When I logged in again today, I noticed a message that she had sent me that I had not previously seen.
In the message, she explained more details about the group. She said that the girls regularly post pictures of malnourished models in order to ‘inspire one another’ and that she does regret ‘getting into it’ and that she feels that she may be responsible deaths.
When she first contacted me, I read in the Bio section of her Twitter profile that she ’Loves God’ and he guides her through her troubles. I have not enclosed this in my Blog yet, but I get voices in my head from ’God’ which I am trying to vanish. At first thought, I felt ‘in safe arms’ knowing that I had made friends with a Christian who was offering to support me through my road to recovery. Thinking about that now, if I was a young girl, feeling the way that I do, getting offers like that of friendship, then I would not look back. I can see how easily these girls are falling into a trap. It breaks my heart to think that somebody would take advantage of a minor’s vulnerability, exploiting their fears and brainwashing them into believing that they should starve themselves to feel better. Not only is this woman 29-years-old and old enough to know better, but she is surely causing more damage than magazines and actresses who get so much media coverage for peer pressure.
I feel strongly against everything that this ‘cult’ encourage and I am inspired by my own journey to encourage others to help put an end to this malicious campaign.

A Sliver Lining.

I did it!

My first appointment with the Psychologist was nothing as I had imagined. It was very informal and my partner came into the room with me. The Psychologist was very laid-back and friendly. She was waiting for me when I arrived and she gave me a very warm welcome. My nerves were so bad that my head was noticeably shaking; my mouth was dry, my hands fidgeted and my head pounded. On her desk was a pouch of tobacco, a cigarette rolling machine and a lighter, which immediately made me realise that she is human. The room in which I had my assessment was light and airy and the three of us sat around a table in a circle.

She asked me questions on my eating habits, my anxiety, my thoughts, my past and what I would like to get out of the support that they offer within the unit. The questions were brief, so I did not have to go into too much detail. She explained that she has spoken the Occupational Therapist who had referred me and to the dietician whom I saw last week, so she knew the details of the questions that I had already answered. I found that I could speak with the Psychologist much easier than the Occupational Therapist and the Dietician. She laughed at her light jokes and so did I, which took my mind off reading everything that she was writing down in her notes.

After just half hour, she told me of the help, which was available. I will be regularly seeing a Psychologist one-to-one in the same unit, where they will help me try to distinguish the reason of my thoughts, I will receive help with my agoraphobia, I will receive counselling, group therapy is available to me and she is referring me to the Eating Disorder Clinic. I told her that I am not ready for group therapy, as my social anxiety will probably stop me from attending. She seemed to understand and assured me that I will not be pushed into anything that I am not comfortable with.

I am more relieved than I can find words for. After almost 20 years of feeling the way a do, today somebody seemed to really understand. I now have to motivate myself into attending the appointments as I find schedules very difficult due to social anxieties, but I know that there are people who can help me and that has put my worries to rest for the meanwhile.

The Shocking Truth Of A Shocking Revelation.

I am mortified.

This evening, on Twitter, after I posted the last Blog, I began chatting to a woman my age. She explained that she had been struggling with similar issues to me since she was 2-years-old and suggested that we support one another. I was so happy that I cried as I thanked her. She asked if I had a Myspace account. I do, but I wanted to remain anonymous, so I created a new account so that we can talk more. I was very excited and relieved to have somebody to chat to tonight, as I am so worried about my first visit to the Psychologist tomorrow morning.
When I found this woman’s profile, I noticed that all of her Myspace friends had pictures of very skinny girls showing their bodies as their profile pictures. She then messaged me and told me the most shocking thing; she told me that she was part of a ‘Pro-Ana’ group on Myspace. She confirmed that ‘Pro-Ana’ means Pro-Anorexia. I had to read those words over many times, as I could not believe my eyes. How can someone, claiming to support those with Eating Disorders, offer to help so many young girls and women and then attract them to be a part of a group, which could encourage people to put their lives at risk? I felt nauseous when I read the message and I still feel queasy now. How can they sleep at night?
Before learning any more about this growing cult, I blocked her and I never want to hear from her again. I am appalled at the sinister sect and wish I knew how to report them. It was probably the last thing that I needed tonight. If I was a young girl, like many on her friends list, I would have been less shrewd to such an offer. That really worries me. It is definitely an insight into a world I would not have ever imagined existed.

Step 7… Cold Feet.

Today has been much harder than I imagined. It has been long and unbearable. I have a nervous rash, a headache and I am shaking so much that I keep un-deliberately pressing letters as I type. This time tomorrow, the worst will be over with, no more waiting, but tonight, time is dragging. I have been alone for most of the day. I do not think it helped, but I do not think that I would have been much company to be around. I have thought hard all day, which is the reason I believe that I have a headache.

What questions do you think the Psychologist will ask me? What if I cannot speak, again? What if I do not go? What if they make me go to hospital? I cannot answer any of these questions and they are constantly echoing in my mind. I have always run away from my problems. I worry that I will wake up in the morning and run. I do not think I have ever felt so scared in my life.

I realise that people are now reading this Blog. How does that make me feel? That makes me feel very good about myself. I began writing this in order to spread awareness and give readers an insight as to what it is like to live with these issues. I also began writing it because I am too terrified to believe that I will go through this alone. So, thank you for reading. I hope that you learn something. If you are going through any of the issues brought up in this Blog, then I strongly urge you to get help. Being 27-years-old, I only wish I had asked for help years ago. Love. x

Step 6… Tears.

It has been a tearful day. I finally spoke to my partner about how I was feeling. It is very reassuring to know that he completely understands. It must be hard for him. He said that the only thing that he wants in this world is for me to see what he sees when he looks at me. He says that I need to put on at least one stone. I explained what that would do to me. He understands. He knows me more than I know myself.
It takes an incredible amount of strength to say those things. He told me that he worries how far this is going to go and that I could lose my life if I do not let the professionals help me. He also told me that, despite me thinking that I have put on so much weight, that he believes that I am at my thinnest right now. It broke my heart. Why do I see, so realistically, the complete opposite to what he sees? It really hurts.
I have been lying down all day. I mentioned in an earlier post how my lung collapsed due to my weight. I have suffered a lot in the last couple of days through this. It has become so painful that I have given up taking painkillers. They do not work anymore.
The wait tomorrow will be hard, I imagine. I am useless when it comes to patience. I either want to get this over and done with or not at all. If I think too hard, I may not have anything to talk to the Psychologist about. I am tired now. I hope that I sleep tonight.

Step 5… A Step Back In Time.

How does someone get so low? How can a woman get into such a state? It all began when I was 8-years-old. I was a healthy child with chubby, rosy cheeks. I was always bigger than my older sister was and I was strong with my weight. Then I had Colitis. I still to this day do not know what Colitis is, exactly, other than I was very ill for two months. Weight dropped off me dramatically and all family members mentioned it often. When I recovered, I felt the weight gain. I felt my arms wobble, my legs wobbled and my jeans rubbed. I was just 8-years-old and my body made me feel sick. The feeling of that wobble has stuck with me for 19 years. I fear it. I hate it. As I have mentioned in an earlier post, it is not a vanity issue, but a sensory issue. I do not know if this is the case with others who fight these demons.
I was not a ‘girly-girl’ in the slightest. I was always competing with the lads. I was a member of the football team and the second fastest runner over-all in my school. I always wanted to be more like the boys than the girls. I compared scars, raced my BMX and jumped in muddy ponds collecting frogs. I have not changed much. My partner is my best friend. We play football together, climb mountains, race around in cars and swap hoodies. He is my soul mate.
My Dad has always teased me with the nickname ‘Annie’, short for anorexic. Not in a cruel way. My family have always commented on my weight as a compliment. However, not everybody comments with the same sincerity. I have never understood how commenting on a person’s weight is a compliment. Neither have I understood how people who say that skinny girls are unattractive do not ‘get’ how hurtful and damaging that can be. I CANNOT gain weight for the fear of suicide. For me, putting on weight is as difficult as a bigger person losing weight, if not, harder.
As much as I live for my son, pregnancy was a nightmare. The body-change was far too much. After my son was born, I was still 9st 6oz. I was young and I had no idea that my figure would change so significantly. I worked out for 6 hours everyday until I could fit into a size 10. Within 6 months, I was 8st.
Now, I am a size 6 in clothes, so why on earth do I feel so heavy, so lethargic, and so bloody huge? I have tried and tried, but I cannot lose any more weight. My stomach aches for food. My head hurts from crying. 19 long, unhappy years. As I am aging, my body seems hungrier more often. It is getting harder to live off so little. I have promised to try to stop making myself vomit. If I could lose just 7lb more and maintain that weight then I could be happier… Maybe…

Step 4… A Long Wait.

I have had a better day today. I am still laid up with flu, but I have had a clearer mind and I have not thought so much about things that normally bring me down. I thought this may be a better time to post as I am usually quite upset when I am writing.

I still have not spoken to anybody about me running away from the dietician. I feel ok about that. It has given me time for things to ‘sink in’ a little. My biggest worry is that if I was speechless on Friday, how am I going to manage to talk about my problems to the Psychologist. I have qualifications in Counselling and I have had sessions with Psychiatrists in the past, but I do not know if Psychology involves the same methods. I also only attended my Psychiatrist appointments twice so I do not know what the outcome would be. Do they do the talking. Does it involve hypnosis? Will it be as painful every time, to have to un-open those wounds all over again and expose my deepest darkest secrets to a complete stranger?

I have not eaten properly for days. So far, if anything, all this waiting is making things worse. Sometimes I catch myself wondering if I need to lose more weight to be taken seriously. The worry is affecting my appetite mostly.

I will post more when I calm down. I have worked myself up a little.

 

Step 3… The Brick Wall.

I have given yesterday a lot of thought. I have not spoken to anybody but my mind has not stopped screaming for a second. I have so many new worries. My appointment is Tuesday. It is Friday already. When I left the hospital yesterday, I felt hurt for not getting the help that I was praying for. I was clearly imagining my appointment to be with a Fairy Godmother, a magic wand and a wish. The last thing that I was expecting was to be told that I had been directed down the wrong path. Another brick wall!

I am worried that on Tuesday, I have to start all over again. I have to answer the same questions, tell the same stories and believe the same bullshit about how there is help out there for me. I am beginning to believe that I will be let down much more over the coming months; Nothing is ever simple and straight forward; not when it comes to me.

I imagine this weekend is going to last forever. I do not want to think anymore. I would give anything to get away for a day. I would give anything to sleep until Tuesday morning, or even better… Wednesday!

My heart tells me that I cannot turn back; to keep on keeping on and to get the support that I need. My head tells me different. The voices scream loudly, “STUPID!”

So, that is all I can add at the moment. That is as long as I can hold my concentration. I guess the brick wall is staying put… For now.