Category Archives: myspace


I have had much better weeks, but I have blocked out the thoughts with Smirnoff. I doubt that it will help in the long run, but it is better than lying awake at night. I have been around family a lot lately, which should cheer me up, but it has been in parties where I am expected to eat. This angers me as all the effort I make trying to maintain my shape for peace of mind gets trampled on and I now have to start over.
I have not yet been sent an appointment for my next meeting with the psychologist, neither have I received a letter to attend the eating disorder unit, so I have had many sleepless nights dreading the morning post. The wait, as always, is unsettling and thought provoking. I just want it all to be over with.
I have stopped taking my anti-depressants. They only add to my insomnia, which is the very opposite of what I had hoped them to do. I am plucking up the courage to revisit the doctor to ask if I can get a different anti-depressant, only our local GP is the Anti-Christ, so I am waiting for the nice doctor to return from her holidays.
What I want from an Anti-Depressant is for me to feel sleepy in the nights. A good night’s sleep helps more than anything does and now, I just want to lie in bed all day long. I feel lethargic, worthless and out of control on the tablets that I have been prescribed and I cannot seem to shake it.



I have kept myself busy today. I have shopped, cooked, spent a nice day with my loved ones and decorated the house ready for Halloween. This morning, I woke up satisfied with the knowledge of my brave leap, which I took yesterday and smiled for the first time in a long while. However, my day did not go faultless. Somebody very close to me upset me.

Yesterday, I told my parents that I have been diagnosed with Eating Disorder. They already suspected, but I have always put on a brave face around them, so saying it aloud was very difficult and is something that I have worried about doing for years.

Today, in a conversation with my Dad, he stopped mid-sentence and said, “Have you been eating? Your face looks fatter. You are looking healthy.” The room fell silent. My mother and partner looked horrified and I did not know where to look in fear of hurting his feelings by showing that I was hurt. My heart pounded hard. I knew that there was nothing that I could ever do to un-hear those words.

I do not blame him for speaking the truth, as he always has done and it is a part of his charm, but those three sentences automatically joined all the other echoes on my mind. It was like stepping onto a weighing scale, which I have avoided for many years, or trying on a pair of jeans, which I cannot bring myself to do. If my father knew that he had upset me, he would worry for weeks over it. I could not put him through that, so I changed the subject. I did not want to let it get me down, but by the time I got home, those words were screaming in my mind and I broke down in tears. I feel guilty for that.

I cannot stop thinking about it. My father explained to me that he meant that a few weeks ago, I looked very ill as I had lost so much weight, but I was looking healthier today. I know that was what he meant and I know how much my parents worry about me when I look unwell, but the voices cannot be satisfied with that and I now feel that I have made one leap forward to be knocked two leaps back.

It is almost 5am and I am too scared to stop writing and go to bed as I will drive myself crazy analyzing the conversation. What is worse, I ran out of Anti-depressants two days ago and my prescription will not be ready for another day, so my nerves are very shaky, too.

I have always been an optimist and tomorrow is another day. If I can get through tonight, then today will already be behind me.

Shocking -Myspace Cult Exposed

Last night I posted a Blog regarding a woman who befriended me on Twitter and tried to lure me into a Myspace ‘cult’ of Pro-Anorexics. I have not been able to shake that conversation from my mind all day and I feel that I should be doing something to stop this for safety of the young girls who are a part of this ‘cult’. During the conversation with the woman who had invited me, I panicked and blocked her from contacting me again, before logging out of the website. When I logged in again today, I noticed a message that she had sent me that I had not previously seen.
In the message, she explained more details about the group. She said that the girls regularly post pictures of malnourished models in order to ‘inspire one another’ and that she does regret ‘getting into it’ and that she feels that she may be responsible deaths.
When she first contacted me, I read in the Bio section of her Twitter profile that she ’Loves God’ and he guides her through her troubles. I have not enclosed this in my Blog yet, but I get voices in my head from ’God’ which I am trying to vanish. At first thought, I felt ‘in safe arms’ knowing that I had made friends with a Christian who was offering to support me through my road to recovery. Thinking about that now, if I was a young girl, feeling the way that I do, getting offers like that of friendship, then I would not look back. I can see how easily these girls are falling into a trap. It breaks my heart to think that somebody would take advantage of a minor’s vulnerability, exploiting their fears and brainwashing them into believing that they should starve themselves to feel better. Not only is this woman 29-years-old and old enough to know better, but she is surely causing more damage than magazines and actresses who get so much media coverage for peer pressure.
I feel strongly against everything that this ‘cult’ encourage and I am inspired by my own journey to encourage others to help put an end to this malicious campaign.

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