Step 5… A Step Back In Time.

How does someone get so low? How can a woman get into such a state? It all began when I was 8-years-old. I was a healthy child with chubby, rosy cheeks. I was always bigger than my older sister was and I was strong with my weight. Then I had Colitis. I still to this day do not know what Colitis is, exactly, other than I was very ill for two months. Weight dropped off me dramatically and all family members mentioned it often. When I recovered, I felt the weight gain. I felt my arms wobble, my legs wobbled and my jeans rubbed. I was just 8-years-old and my body made me feel sick. The feeling of that wobble has stuck with me for 19 years. I fear it. I hate it. As I have mentioned in an earlier post, it is not a vanity issue, but a sensory issue. I do not know if this is the case with others who fight these demons.
I was not a ‘girly-girl’ in the slightest. I was always competing with the lads. I was a member of the football team and the second fastest runner over-all in my school. I always wanted to be more like the boys than the girls. I compared scars, raced my BMX and jumped in muddy ponds collecting frogs. I have not changed much. My partner is my best friend. We play football together, climb mountains, race around in cars and swap hoodies. He is my soul mate.
My Dad has always teased me with the nickname ‘Annie’, short for anorexic. Not in a cruel way. My family have always commented on my weight as a compliment. However, not everybody comments with the same sincerity. I have never understood how commenting on a person’s weight is a compliment. Neither have I understood how people who say that skinny girls are unattractive do not ‘get’ how hurtful and damaging that can be. I CANNOT gain weight for the fear of suicide. For me, putting on weight is as difficult as a bigger person losing weight, if not, harder.
As much as I live for my son, pregnancy was a nightmare. The body-change was far too much. After my son was born, I was still 9st 6oz. I was young and I had no idea that my figure would change so significantly. I worked out for 6 hours everyday until I could fit into a size 10. Within 6 months, I was 8st.
Now, I am a size 6 in clothes, so why on earth do I feel so heavy, so lethargic, and so bloody huge? I have tried and tried, but I cannot lose any more weight. My stomach aches for food. My head hurts from crying. 19 long, unhappy years. As I am aging, my body seems hungrier more often. It is getting harder to live off so little. I have promised to try to stop making myself vomit. If I could lose just 7lb more and maintain that weight then I could be happier… Maybe…